Speed Bump Personality Test (SBPT)

I hate speed bumps! Period.

I was tempted to end the post in the previous line. But I am reminded why I am writing this in the first place.

My life on the road can be described as a constant negotiation between speed bumps and pot holes. My devoted wife reminds me in a not-so-subtle manner that my angst against the universe is not empirically warranted. After all, all of humanity, privileged to be on powered wheels, is subject to it.

Let me pivot. I love personality tests. Some are born keenly aware of their wiring. Some are not. I am of the latter lot. I have done DISC (D), Meyers & Briggs (ENTJ), and Enneagram (8w7) to help me see myself more clearly. Ever since I did the MBT, I started being interested in others and their personality types too. I am sure I have quite a few friends who also have taken these tests because of my winsome 'can't-take-no-for-an-answer' attitude.

I'll cut to the chase. My distaste of speed bumps and my love for personality traits have led me to make a few observations. There are, fundamentally, four kinds of drivers when it comes to negotiating a speed bump.

The first kind realizes the presence of the speed bump after the fact. In other words, they and their co-passengers, are mid-air at that point. Their posteriors are four inches uncomfortably above the familiar security of worn cushions , the tissue box directly floating to the field of vision, and EVERYONE dreading the next two seconds which test the cars shocks and the connectedness of every limb to the body.

This kind of driver is of a particular kind. They are always looking ahead. The horizon is clearer to them than what's in front of them. The lower half of the windscreen is irrelevant to them. They may not be speeding. But they do not slow down when circumstance demands it. They are visionaries. Though they are fully cognitive of the fact that roads have speed bumps, the image in the distance is what arrests their attention, making them incapable of noticing the speed bump. They may care about the passengers. But there's no way to assess it.

The second kind of driver sees the speed bump well ahead of time and shifts gears and speed to gently kiss those little hills one wheel at a time. The travelers barely notice that they went over it. For all I know, the co-passengers may not even be cognizant of bumps on roads. They would have never experienced the tantalizing rides the passengers in the first car have experienced.

This kind of driver is very present and cautious. They are always looking for the dangers lurking in front of them. Is that an elephant? a cow? a crocodile?? oh phew, it's only a speed bump. The upper half of the windscreen is irrelevant. Their right foot is always ready to step on the brakes in a timely fashion. They will never speed. And they usually are not paying attention to the beautiful horizon. They do not dream. Dreamers are not survivors, they say. And puhleez don't toy with the idea that they truly care about others. Like, the first kind, we will never truly know. It is evident that they care about themselves and their car primarily. As a by product, the passenger may inherit the security too.

The third kind of driver is complicated. They speed along and suddenly realize that there is a bump an inch ahead. They do one of two things. They either slam the brakes, screaming "SORRYYYEEE!", tossing everyone out of their settled domains, popcorns flying to the front. As the passengers reel from the shock, and before they begin to make sense of their displaced world, the front wheels hit the bump with a vengeance, slipping a few discs off everyone's back like Frisbees. There is no drama more gripping than this. OR...they scream "SORRYYYEEE" and be more like the first kind of driver, blazing through the bumps. Like the first kind, it's Air India in action. All the vibrations at take off (will the wings fall off??), with everyone clinging onto their seat belts, croaking last prayers, and waiting with baited breath till the plane lands.

What's important to note is the complete cognition of the driver, before the fact, to the unexpected and unplanned inconvenience. They realize what they are getting into and make the choice split second. This breed is more like the first kind. They are visionaries but they are somehow alert to the present, albeit a bit late. They utilize the full windscreen, but more the upper half. The people around them, though they feel a bit unsafe, they are assured that the driver at least cares for them, somewhere deep inside.

The fourth kind of driver is the most complex. They speed along like the first kind but notice the bump in time. They shift gears and decelerate in time to glide the front tires in a manner that would compete with the second kind of driver. Thereafter, they do something strange. They hit the pedal and accelerate the vehicle throwing the rear passengers off the sunroof as the back tires fly over the bumps.

The fourth kind, is also a visionary. But they are visionaries who are governed by self interest. They use the whole windscreen in a biased manner. Though they are focused on the horizon, they are always watchful for very present dangers ahead for their own sake. These people are good at leading others to the destination but are not as bothered by what the journey does to their passengers. Others feel used in the process.

There may not be a full blown psychometric theory here. But if I put further thought to it, and a recruit a few quacks like me, I imagine I can out do competitions out there. Enneagram, with all their nuances, and multiple personalities, still need people to take a test. The frontal lobes need to be exercised to obtain the result. I am happy to make the case that I can appreciate and apprehend the personality of a candidate, more holistically, by asking them to take the wheel. SBPT is more real. It situates the person in a real world context. It is not a cerebral activity in the comfort of your chair and cigar.

Of course, I'm not blind to SBPTs demerits. This test, like any other, assumes some things. For instance, I am assuming that everyone knows to drive. I am assuming they are rich enough to have a car. It is obvious that I am assuming that these participants are not illegally settled and have state IDs. The list can be endless.

And for those who think automotive companies have arrived and that their tech can overcome the speed bump hurdle (pun intended) with sophisticated shock technology, you may have bigger problems with your frontal lobe that you may actually want to opt for SBPT instead of MBT, or DISC, or the venerable Enneagram.

I wonder, if you drive a vehicle, what kind of SBPT score might you have? How do your neurons fire? My son claims that I am definitely the third kind. As a card holding member of the third kind, I declare on behalf of all other 3's, we care about you...we truly do. But, often, we see the bump a tad bit too late. I apologize on behalf of the citizens of Threedom! Take a ride with us. But you may want to keep the pop corn and coke at home.